Horror-Theme Thrill Ride!

Living with Manic Depression or Bi Polar Disorder (BPD) is like a Horror-Theme Thrill Ride! 

It's sad, fun, and fucking scary!

Yes that's what it is. I fear what 's next. I try to live in the moment and try hard to enjoy the ride and am often ashamed of my attemps and outcomes.

That's what BPD feels like to me.

I feal like a prisoner of my mind and body.

----- Mind punishs Body------

-----Body punishes mind-----

     ----- A Vicious Cycle!------

Always searching for the harmony of Yin & Yang but rarley they matchup properly. 

Anyway, am I preaching to the choir and/or do you not care? It doesn't matter this my journal.  I'm just letting everybody read it, and nobody know who I am.

After all, I'm fucking anonymous

BPD

-Anonymous

So many expectations

It's fucked up  how one person views my behavior as crazy another as fun. What the fuck? Who's right? I don't know what you expect of me; what do you want from me? Ugh!!!???!!!

Nothing can express the way I feel! 

Here's an attempt:

My whole world is crashing down on me! Everything around me! How do I react? How should I behave? 

What do I need to do to prove I'm not 'crazy' 

Stress kills! Literally I'm under so much that I feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders! Too hyperbolic maybe, but that's how I feel; the world is on my shoulders! 

It's my world that's on my shoulders at least. How do I react I don't know; you tell me. What do you expect from me, what do you want? 

Someone tell me: what do you want me to be and I'll be that!

Until then I don't know. 

I know one thing: 

I am Manic Depressive, Bi Polar, insane, crazy.....nuts, looney, lost it.....etc.....

-anonymous

My Story

Everyone has story mine is pretty simple 

I had a great childhood & loving  parents that still support me and help me. I have a loving wife who worries, perhaps a little too much, but given what I've put her through it's warranted, and appreciated!

Even as a child I knew I was different. My mind raced even as a child with restless and sleepless nights. I stayed active in high school through sports and performed well academically.  I never really had problems then.

Issues manifested themselves in college. I gradually delved deeper into drugs and alcohol. I also did not have the support I had when I was home; that was missed and probably needed. Things got worse, my sophmore year of colled I was kicked out of school, and ended up serving a 90 day jail sentence . I was a victim of circumstance really, an innocent bystander, there at the wrong place and time. Too bad that they made an example of my roommate and I. 

Now I will forever carry a second stigma; that of being a felon.

Since then have I have gone through ups and downs mostly depression following mania. Manic episode are almost always brought on by high levels of stress. Prior to diagnosis I self medicated with alcohol and drugs. I know now that these things made everything worse and I'm thankful that I took the initiative to see a psychiatrist.

My point is that if you are reading this and.you suffer, and if you feel something something that doesn't feel "normal" talk to someone, or go see a psychiatrist. If you are a student without health insurance go to the student health services center. It's for your own good and the good of everyone around you.

The recognition of this has helped me immensely! I now know the signs to manage myself and cope effectively. We are all in this together feel free to reach out for personal advice although I'm not a doctor I cannot give medical advice. I do want to connect though and I do want to help if I can

I am Bi Polar

- Anonymous

Crossroads

I find myself at a crossroads. I work in a toxic environment, the stress is killing me. More so now than think I can handle from any other job or even this one before!

Some days I just want to go to the woods and and live there in peace. I know however that the solitude would kill me because I need to be with people. I often think of that old movie office space and how it relates to my work. It's a struggle every day too. I always think should I go do this today or should I just drive away? When I get there I ask myself sometimes during the day "should I just leave and not come back?

Who's to say that perhaps digging ditches, cutting trees, landscaping construction, any of these things are not better than what I do.

 

The ridiculous bullshit of the corporate world is killing me and I don't think I can take it anymore. However, I have to pay bills, a mortgage, car payments, food, gas, etc...

I know there's a better opportunity around the corner and I'll jump at the chance to take it. I've been told it's going to get better.  However I've been told that for years and years. 

Now is the time to make a move to make the move that is right! The money doesn't matter happiness does! 

Until that's  settled I'll keep grinding it out on my leather ass, on my stupid shit in front of my fucking computer, answering 100 emails and 50 phone calls every fucking day!

It will get better, one way or the other!

I am Bi Polar

- Anonymous 

connect with me @lithiumOD on Twitter!

I’m so stressed right now I want to be sedated! My all time favorite Ramones track! 

By the way punk rock change my life!That’s what Bradley Nowel Said! He was the lead singer of the band Sublime my favorite!

In all seriousness, I just want to talk to other people. 

Other people with bi polar disorder!

Other people with brain disease like ADD like schizophrenia and OCD and anxiety and depression and psychosis.

All of them!

Why is that so hard to ask?

So what I’m asking is talk to me.

I want to discuss these diseases and symptoms. 

Learn coping mechanisms others have tried that have worked. 

Please connect with on Twitter @lithiumOD blog already back let’s do this together! Let’s manage our problems and win the war! 

-anonymous

So Many Thoughts!

So last time I wrote I admitted that I am Bi-Polar anonymously to the internet! That pretty much means nothing!

What I can say though, is that I am making progress in my life. I just came off the most intense episode of Manic-Depression…

HERE IS WHAT I LEARNED:

Everyone suffers from mental illness whether mild or severe. We are all dealing with mental anguish. You don’t have a mental illness? You are “normal?” If you think that, you are ignorant! Have you ever lost sleep from worry? Have you ever been stressed out, sad, aloof, or angry? Those are all symptoms of mental illness. If you don’t have a diagnosis I encourage you to go a shrink and they will find one for you so they can prescribe you medication to make you better. This is called a LABEL

The point is, we all suffer mental and emotional anguish. Some of us suffer from it for unexplained reasons. The day to day moods and emotions that people feel from happiness, sadness, or anger are the symptoms that people with mental illness experience for no reason other than the chemicals in their brain’s do not release the way a “mentally healthy” persons brain releases them. If a person had liver cancer you blame liver cancer for them missing work. If you have a migraine you blame the migraine for not being in the mood. Why is the brain so different? Is it because the brain controls our behavior, our emotions, and how we communicate to others? Why is an illness that creates strange behavior something that we should treat differently than a physical illness. If I miss work because of a manic episode why am I different than the guy that missed work for having the flu? Think about it. Don’t blame the person, blame the illness! If I was is in a shit mood because I broke my leg, what would you say about me? Would you say that I am moody or I am mad and depressed because I am in pain? Probably not. Mental pain is just as severe and just as encompassing. Think about it. In a physical case any organ could be sick. It doesnt matter. In a mental case the brain is sick. Why is that different. Why is there a stigma? The brain is your most vital organ!

I have Bi-Polar disorder. My illness has a set of very unique and very interesting symptoms. I know it is there daily and some days I manage better than others. 

My point is don’t treat someone who is mentally ill different than someone you would treat that has cancer or AIDs. Mental illness is life long, just like cancer. I will have this disease till I die. How I die may be direclty related to my illness. I could die of a car accident because of slow reaction time caused by depression. I could harm myself in a manic rage of overpowering emotion. Or I could manage this thing and live a full and happy life. 

I will strive for the latter always but can make no guarantees of anything.

I am Bi-Polar

-Anonymous 

Anonymous

Anonymous

To Whom it May Concern,

I decided to write a blog on the most personal thing about me that I could ever possibly put on the internet no less tell an acquaintance or friend. 

 I am Bi-Polar. 

There it is. I have said it to the world.

I am going to set some ground rules first. I am penning this Blog as an anonymous author meaning you will never know who I am. I am not a Doctor or trained medical technician so do not contact me asking for medical advice. I have lived with Bi-Polar Disorder (Manic Depression) my whole life in one form or another, and will continue to live this way until I die. There is no cure for this illness.

The real purpose of this blog is to start a journal for my thoughts, feelings, and moods. I also want to connect to other Bi-Polar people to discuss our issues, our moods, and our stories to enrich my life and hopefully anyone reading this.There is no desire or motivation to gain “internet fame” or money by writing this blog. I don’t care what others think of the content that will be written here or if anyone even reads this blog. I am also really interested to see how my posts read as my moods change.

I am Bi-Polar

-Anonymous